i find myself sitting next to a good friend, we'll refer to him as 'the king.'
i've been in my head a lot lately. Especially because i've been out of a job for a month and a half and don't really have anything to do. being out of job is trying on many things, especially that of relationships. I will not delve into personal matters belonging to other people and myself too much in order to respect privacy. i'm just trying to get my 'head' on paper so i don't go complete insane.
i few days ago i went to the doctor's office for a not-so-routine check up. something is malfunctioning with my body so went to get it fixed. it's not so much what was wrong with me, as what was wrong with the doctors. Let me digress, i went to a free clinic. My doctors weren't doctors, but rather, students learning how to be doctors. Everyone was really nice, i don't have too many complaints, besides an audience examining my testicles. i felt like i was the guy that had the thing that no one knew what it was so they kept getting more 'doctors' and everybody kept coming in and touching my testicles. then they all talk to each other about me as though i'm not even in the room. it turns out that i'm okay and the real doctor knew what was wrong and the students learned from that.
i had quite the conversation with the real doctor though. It went something like this:
doc: "so, how old are you again?"
me: "23."
doc: "your blood pressure is high for a 23 year old."
cont': "are you a candy man? do you like candy cakes?"
me: "umm, no..."
what the fuck is a candy cake?
my roommate, mr. cassady, insists on asking my permission to call me 'candy man' from now on. not only that, but i found out that i weigh a whopping 180lbs. So now i'm the 180 pound candy man. I don't look fat. but the doctor insisted that i understand that i'm border line over weight for my age group and to just be conscious of gaining anymore weight.
i don't exercise. even before the doctors office visit, i was determined to join the y. not to work out, but to swim. it's not because i think i'm fat, i just like swimming. i also would enjoy looking like brad pitt in fight club. i don't think my girlfriend would mind either. especially if i wore that yellow glove, and then she said something about grade school...
sorry.
i was just downstairs having a cigarette. I was thinking about new york, and how some people make it, and some people don't. i don't think it matters much if you do or don't, it's a destructive city no matter how you approach it. i do have a view about it though. i'm not going to explain, i'll just let what i wrote interpret itself to you.
surviving in new york is a test of how long you can hold your breath. if you don't drown, you either develop gills, or you come out on top. gills represent a glorious mediocrity. a complacency to be had only by the unachieved believer believing he has achieved, but only has become complacent in surviving.
i hope to god i've not become this.
i need to change a lot of things in my life. but i hope that getting as far as i've come and having the mindset that i have, i'm at least still climbing, not just settling in a nice little cove with a nice little fucking tea kettle.
what scares me most in life is becoming satisfactory. in my darkest dream, my paralysis keeps me awake. that paralysis is the depletion of my creativity.
i remember one summer day, my mother asked my best friend to mow the lawn. he did. he finished. my mother complimented him by saying that he had done an exceptional job. it didn't really occur to me what that meant at that point in my life. once i found out what that word really meant, i was embarrassed. i had never mowed the lawn exceptionally. i had just mowed the lawn, like anyone else would mow the goddam lawn to earn his allowance. i didn't give a shit if there were lines in the grass that made it look like a goddam football field or golf course. i just wanted the ten bucks. i feel like a lot of people just want the money. and they get the money. they do. but there is no pride. for the past two years of my life, i've started taking pride in what i do. finally. biblically or not, whatever you do, it's worth doing to the best of your ability. otherwise it's just masturbation.
in other news, i would just like to say that i hate that, when reading a blog, the newest post is always at the top. this is considerably annoying to me. it feels like i'm reading a book backwards. i finish a page then i have to go left. it's bullshit.
lastly, i created a goddam playlist for myself to listen to while writing. here it is:
in transit- albert hammond jr.
i want you- elvis costello
i disappear- the faint
a perfect sonnet- bright eyes
little things- lily allen
this is hardcore- pulp
the new boy- mando diao
not enough- our lady peace
the greatest- cat power
some girls- the bedrooms
cuidandote- bebe
on and on and on- wilco
i'm sorry now- jude
common people- pulp
only in dreams- weezer
scared- albert hammond jr.
505- arctic monkeys
all you need is love- the beatles
bright young thing- albert hammond jr.
help!- the beatles
pencil skirt- pulp
she- elvis costello
song for aberdeen- mando diao
sleep- azure ray
i can't believe that you're in love with me- billie holiday
call an ambulance- albert hammond jr.
posed to death- the faint
get back- the beatles
comptine d'un autre ete- yann tiersen
life- our lady peace
being human- god or julie
plasticities- andrew bird
